Everything I want
by pandaloong1097
Summary: He's everything I wanted, he's everything inside of me that I wished I could've been, he said all the right things at exactly the right time, but he means nothing to me and I don't know why. I don't know why...


**Hey guys! Sorry I've been like dead for like forver. XD That was a lot of likes… but yea, I hope you like this story. It was inspired by the song, Everything You Want by Vertical Horizon. If you've never heard this song, HEAR IT. It's amazing… well that's enough of me, on with the story.**

_**(A/N: This is in Clare's POV)**_

**Enjoy and Please Review!**

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><p>He walked away from the bench, <em>our bench<em>. I stood up and watched his figure slowly disappear into the mass of cars and people. I knew I should go after him, but I couldn't bring myself to move.

Finally, it happened, I understood why. He had probably known it in the back of his mind for a while, and now I knew.

My eyes began to water; salty tears spilling onto my porcelain white cheeks. I fell onto our bench, and sobbed. I didn't cover my face, let everyone watch me while I realize what I just lost, but no one watched. No one cared. But I guess that's what I get, because I stopped caring.

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><p>"Hey sis, you need a ride to school?"<p>

I put on a fake smile, that's become natural now. "No thanks, Jake. I'll ride with Eli."

It's been a while since the hesitation and stiffness faded away. Jake, my new step- brother, gave me a lop-sided carefree smile. "OK Clare, well, I'll be going now."

I nodded and Jake walked out the door, his back-pack haphazardly hanging off his shoulder. As the door shut, I walked to the living room and sat on the couch, waiting for the familiar honk of Bullfrog's horn.

Minutes later, I heard that honk. Picking up my back-pack I walked out the door, carefully shutting and locking it before walking to the car. "Hey, Clare bear!" Bullfrog greeted.

I put on my happy façade and grinned. "Hey Bullfrog," Sitting in the passenger seat was Eli; he poked his head out and smiled at me. I gave him a cute grin and got in the car. Like always, there was no conversation between Bullfrog, Eli, and I. That's how it always worked. It's not that we didn't want to talk, it's just that no one wanted to be the one to break the awkward silence. So we drove to Degrassi in silence.

Once the car pulled up to the front steps, Eli and I got out of the car, said our goodbyes to Bullfrog and walked into the school together. Eli looked at me, smiled, opened his mouth, and began spilling words at a hundred miles per hour.

"Clare, you gotta help me. I've been working on something secret."

I cocked me head in confusion, "And what is that, Mr. Goldsworthy?"

Eli gave me a lop-sided smile. "It's an auto-biography. I mean, it's been a month since my doctor said I was stable enough to stop my meds, and I feel amazing. Not the amazing I felt before, but this, this is a good amazing. It's healthy, and it's not a temporary high. I'm getting better, Clare," When I heard this I knew it was wrong, but I could feel my heart clench in envy, "I figured, every great writer goes through his ups and downs, and they always write about it."

"So since you're a great writer, you're going to write about your ups and downs."

Eli's smile stretched across his face, "Exactly! And you're gonna be in my biography Clare. I mean, you're the best thing that's ever happened to me, so of course, I'll mention you."

I could hear the hints of adoration in his voice. I knew Eli still loved me, and I think I still love him, but I just smiled and gave a friendly nod. I didn't have the energy to go through everything it would take to make us work again. Staying friends was better for us, better for me.

The bell rang, signaling me to go to History and Eli to go to French.

"I'm gonna work on it all week, so you better prepare for lots of editing, Edwards." Eli said before heading off to his French class.

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><p>I looked at the neat stack of papers that Eli dropped in front of me.<p>

"It's still a rough draft, but I've already written most of it. You can take your time to read and edit it. Well, I really don't care just I want you to read chapter five, you don't even have to read anything but chapter five." Eli said.

I looked at him, "I'm guessing chapter five is important?"

"_Very," _Eli replied.

With that, I nodded, took the stack of papers, and left Degrassi to go home. My pace was slow, and I took my time going home. I passed by the park where Eli and I shared our first kiss, the bench where I publicly embarrassed myself to prove a point to him, then the dot where there were too many memories to recall.

I finally arrived at my front door, taking the keys, I unlocked it, and stepped into the home that I felt no longer welcomed me, Clare Edwards.

I quickly went up to my room, ignoring Jake who was in the kitchen eating. Locking the door, and plopping onto my bed, I took out Eli's autobiography and skipped to chapter five. As I began to read it, a sense of detachment from the world overcame me.

Chapter five was exactly twenty two pages, and every single word on every single page spoke of what happened between Eli and I, and how he feels about me now. How he still loves and adores me, how he cares for me, and is waiting until I'm is fixed, so he can tell me how he feels. How he hopes that I still feel the same way, how he hopes that when I read this, it'll make me happy.

Eli Goldsworthy is really everything I wanted, the person I wished I could be, and he says and does everything at exactly the right time.

Taking my out my phone I texted him. 'Hey I just read Ch.5, meet me at the bench now'

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><p>I sat on the bench for five minutes before I saw Eli walking towards me, out of his school uniform and wearing a white shirt with a black leather jacket, black jeans, black boots, and his guitar pick necklace. I didn't even bother changing out of my uniform.<p>

"Clare! I haven't seen you in years." Eli joked as he sat down on the wooden bench.

I didn't laugh, I didn't smile, I didn't look at him and this worried Eli. "What's wrong?"

I didn't answer. I took out the papers he gave me and read out the first line of chapter five. "Clare Edwards was really the definition of life, of love, of perfection, well…at least in my eyes, and after everything we've been through, I still can't help but be in love with her."

Out of the corner of my eye I could see Eli stiffen. "I meant what I wrote there, Clare."

"I know."

There was a long silence. "Did you read the whole chapter?"

"Yes."

And there was another long silence before I could hear small snapping like sounds in my head, almost as if I could feel Eli's frustration coming to a boil. "Is that all you have to say? I just put everything in my mind, my body, my heart in that chapter. And you're going to give me one, two word answers?"

"I guess."

The snapping sounds in my head got louder. "Clare, I want to know, how do you feel about me? I can't take just being friends with you, I need more than that. I love you."

Words began to form in my mouth, ready to explode. I hesitated, I was afraid, but I just hesitated for a second before saying, "Eli, you're everything I wanted, you're everything I wished I could've been, you said all the rights things at exactly the right time."

I could hear a deafening _snap_ in my mind and I knew it was over. He stood up and looked at me, "I'm everything you _wanted, _I'm everything you _wished _you could've been, I _said _all the right things at exactly the right time. And I don't know what happened to you Clare. I mean nothing to you and I don't know why. I wish could know why."

I looked at him, my eyes dark, and detached. I wished I could've summoned some emotion but nothing came to me. "I don't know why either."

We stared at each other, people walking past us, as if nothing happened. His bright green eyes, turned dark, almost as dark as my eyes. "I know why." He said.

He walked away from the bench, _our bench_. I stood up and watched his figure slowly disappear into the mass of cars and people. I knew I should go after him, but I couldn't bring myself to move.

Finally, it happened, I understood why. He had probably known it in the back of his mind for a while, and now I knew.

My eyes began to water; salty tears spilling onto my porcelain white cheeks. I fell onto our bench, and sobbed. I didn't cover my face, let everyone watch me while I realize what I just lost, but no one watched. No one cared. But I guess that's what I get, because I stopped caring.

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><p><strong>I know, I know. That was a pretty deep story. Maybe I should've written something more….happier, but hey, I'm pretty proud of this. I put a lot of my feelings in this story and I hope it's something more than a fanfic to you. I thought Clare. I know she might be a little OOC but think about it? Her life hasn't been the greatest so far. It takes so many things to get a person to stop caring, and I think Clare has experienced that many things. BUT YEAAA on a happier note….<strong>

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**And….Check out my other stories if you'd like. :)**


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